Weight Watchers and the Decline of the Loser Empire

Three words: Buffalo Wild Wings.

Week # Whatever

I know what you're thinking: she hasn't posted in a while because she's abandoned the Weight Watchers program and returned to her old, slovenly ways. So what if that's true? Which, frankly, some days it is, and some days it ain't. I'm coming off an "it is" weekend, but prior to that, I was doing okay--if you don't count the small bag of peanut M&Ms I fell prey to at work the other day, or the McChicken meal I had as a way to jumpstart my weekend. Because, unlike some other people I know, I'm human. The Saint up there in the northern climes dashes off little messages of encouragement each day, as her scale continues to go down. "Hope you ladies are being good" and "remember, this sweatshirt weather won't be here forever" and "we're going to have to show some skin." To make matters worse, she's already met her weight loss goal for February and we're only halfway through the month. Well, whoop dee do. And while The Saint munches celery sticks on her treadmill, the other Human (aka the Niece) took off for warmer weather down south with a friend. Last few posts I saw from her talked about doing lemon drop shots and knocking back some southern moonshine. Hang on, Brit, I'll be right down!

Week#2: Continued...

I ate, I drank, I shoveled. And I did yoga. (You try looking up at the ceiling after you've stretched your torso down over your extended legs. Unless you're that girl from The Exorcist, I doubt it can be done.) Frankly I don't know how many points I consumed today because my pen ran out of ink and I couldn't write anything down... The girls up north, however, now that's a different story. They put away gallons of water and stayed under their points, and they're both watching their scales go down. The Saint did acknowledge, however, giving in to her craving and eating "a few pieces of candy." Which I'm craving mightily myself. But I indulged my sweet tooth with a few Ginger Snaps today. No wonder they're so low in points. I nearly took out a crown and the two fillings beside it.

Into Week #2: All About Water

This was today's lunch. And this is getting old. Two weeks without McDonalds, peanut M&Ms, and those chocolate chip cookies from the Stop n'Shop bakery... We're expecting yet another snowstorm, and already the local schools have announced their closings for tomorrow. I should be sitting with my feet up, knocking back the Franzia Chardonnay. Instead I got a date with my Pilates mat and the lovely Ana Caban. After that, The Saint says I have to drink water. I hate water. If I'm not pounding the Franzia, then give me a Diet Coke. Water is for doing the dishes and filling up the tub. But The Saint's on her high horse about my water consumption and telling me that she didn't ask if I liked it (oh how uppity they get when they're down 6.8lbs), but that I need to go buy a case of the stuff. A case? I haven't had that much water in the 39 years that I've been on this earth. (*wink*) And oh, the messages from the two of them today. If there was a prize for how many times they used the word water, they'd have hit the jackpot. (Total points for today: I'm swimming in them.)

The End of Week 1

It's official: Brit and I have broken away from the Church of The Amazing Loser. The Saint (aka Eileen) finished up her first week with a 6.8lb loss. Adding salt to the wound, she said that she "needs to start exercising." At this rate, she's going to reach her weight loss goal by mid-week. The Saint's a bitch, plain and simple. Meanwhile I'm on the Pilates mat just about every night, and many mornings I hoof it around the lake near my house. Before you scoff at my morning walk, you might want to take into consideration that I live at the top of the "Grinch Who Stole Christmas" hill. (Think I'm kidding? Come visit sometime.) So today was the day of reckoning, and I stripped down to my birthday suit to give myself every advantage (being careful to avoid any contact with a mirror), and I stepped on the Healthometer. Total weight loss? 1.1 lbs. That's the thanks I get for a week's worth of 4 point WW meals, celery sticks, and popcorn till it comes out my ears. Brit brought up the rear by .01, logging in a 1 lb weight loss. But she's my kind of girl. To boost start next week's loss, she's switching from Bud Light to vodka when she hits the town tonight. Like auntie, like niece. Love you, girl. Remember, Brit, slow and steady wins the race. Enjoy your night and have one for me.

Day #7

You win some, and you lose some. Today I'm a winner. See that picture above? That was my dinner--and I never even ate the orange. My motivation? A glass of wine after a 12 hour work day. And don't get all self righteous with me about scrimping on points so I can knock back a glass of wine after work. (Okay, two glasses.) If you haven't figured out by now, I live life large: I'm talking the 12oz bag of peanut M&Ms, the McChicken meal, the Franzia Chardonnay. (All of which likely got me in this mess in the first place, but hey.) So, I'm trading in the Healthometer for the scale that Eileen bought. Every day, her's goes down. She sends me messages that read "Down 1.4", "Did well, another 1.8," "I'm on a roll" and "I'm making wiser choices for dinner so as not to go over my points." WTF. Let's nominate her for WW Sainthood. On the other hand, my niece is more like me. Her messages read "gained a lb and felt bloated all day" and "didn't drink much water." (Read: I went to happy hour and drank a bunch of Bud Lights with my friends.) Love you, Brit; I always have.

Day #6

Let us never speak of Day #6 again. (Total points=26)

Day #5

Just finished working the "power house" with the lovely Ana Caban. The whole time, I kept thinking about how much I'd rather be plowing through a bag of peanut M&Ms and watching HGTV than listening to her remind me to keep "my shoulders away from my ears" and "my tummy muscles tight." Yeah, okay, Ana. You give birth to a 9lb, 6oz, 23" long baby, and we'll see how tight your tummy muscles stay. Good luck with that. Then I logged onto my laptop to find messages from Eileen and Brit. They're all chatty and happy and staying under their points and life is just wonderful and isn't this fun. No. It isn't. Because I'm hungry. Seems like the only change Brit needed to make was to switch to Bud LIGHT when she goes out with the girls. Suddenly the weight's just falling off. Youth. I got no time for it. Eileen blathered on about how she got all this wonderful stuff at the grocery store so she can stick with the plan and that she bought some of those mini ice cream sandwiches for when she was craving something sweet. Craving something sweet? Like that's not every waking minute of every day for me. And by the way, sister (-in-law), I bought those same WW ice cream sandwiches today, too. And there's a reason they're only 2 points. The only craving they satisfy is the desire for a good laugh when you open the box and see how tiny they are.

Day #4

I got nothing for you today, other than I'm HUNGRY. The dollar side salad at McDonalds? I had two of them today, along with a 6pt WW meal. Yawn. After I got out of work, my son wanted KFC for his birthday dinner (we're big time here in Westchester), so off we went. I got the single breast meal, grilled. I cut the chicken in half, and removed the skin. The meal came with two sides. I like green beans as much as the next person, but that's a lot of beans. I'll admit, I was feeling a little sorry for myself. I'm not thin, I'm not rich, and I'm not beautiful. I'm just hungry. Wahhh. To top it off, Eileen just sent me a flirty little message, announcing she's down another 3lbs. This, she said, after going over her points today. I used to love my sister-in-law, but I'm starting to rethink our relationship. The niece has disappeared from our group effort. Last post I saw from her, she was hanging out at a bar called Floody's with her friends. She's young, though, and will probably drink away her weight loss. Come to think of it, I don't like her either.

Day #3

Woke up and did exactly what they tell you not to do: I weighed myself. My punishment for sneaking a peek at the scale so soon? I GAINED 2lbs. Shortly after stepping on the scale, I got a text from Eileen. All it said was, "Down 1.4" (The bitch.) Then I took my son and 5 of his friends to the mall for his birthday. We started with lunch at Chili's. I burned up most of my day's points on the chips & salsa. However, I think it's only right that I should get bonus points for walking right past the Auntie Ann's Pretzel stand, and for sitting with Ruthanne at the Dave & Buster's bar without so much as a sip of anything, while the boys spent two hours blowing things up. Also, let the record show that the cookies I bought for my son to take to school tomorrow sit unmolested on my kitchen counter. So when I hop on the Healthometer again, I expect a downward movement this time, or I'm taking the thing back for a refund. (Total points today: 20)

Day #2

It's 7:33pm and I ought to just go to sleep because, after I eat this orange, I will have used up all my points for the day. Every last one of them. But at least I didn't go over. And I got really good news this morning after I unpacked the Healthometer and stepped on it. Not nearly as bad as I thought, and in fact I've reduced my weight loss goal to 8-10 lbs. Waiting to hear from my two fellow losers to see how they're faring. It snowed here today, so I didn't get out for a nice long walk, as I usually do. Instead I unfurled the Pilates mat and me and Ana Caban worked the "power house." She moves like a graceful, zen-like ballerina against the backdrop of the Pacific Ocean. Me, I'm sweating in my living room, straining to hear her gentle instructions over the barrage of gunshots while my son plays "Call of Duty Ghosts" in his bedroom. During the neck roll, my neck snaps and creaks, and one of my toes cramps each time I lift my feet into the Pilates position. But I do it. And then I lift weights, even though doing so lately aggravates a pinched nerve in my left arm. I'm falling apart. But at least I'll be 10lbs lighter when I do! (Total points today: 22)

Getting Started. Day #1

Ugh. I'm fat. Okay, not fat. But getting there. I've done what I say I would never let happen again--which is to allow the slow and steady creep of extra weight to take up residence in and around my belly, on my boobs, and in my hips and thighs. (I rather like my hips and thighs, thank you--zip it, white guys--so it's just the other areas I'm not happy about.) So, Day #1 begins... I'm determined. I've done the Weight Watcher thing twice before and it's been successful. I like WW because you can blow all your points on any damn thing you want. Nothing's "off limits." If you want a hot fudge sundae, you can have one. It's likely the only thing you can eat that day, but you still get to have it. For me, it's not ice cream. It's candy and cookies and, best of all, McDonalds. Life just isn't worth living without their French fries and Diet Coke (and the McChicken, plain, ain't so bad either). I figure I need to lose 15lbs, but I'm not sure because I've been too afraid to even step foot in a room that has a scale in it. I know something's going on, though, because the clothes are tugging and the boobage is overspilling. So I call my sister-in-law, Eileen, to see if she wants to do WW with me. She's in. She says her daughter, Brit, wants in, too. Yay. People to do it with. Then I decide we'll do a blog. Make it public. (Anybody else want to do it with us?) I go to Walmart and purchase a scale. I have to walk past a whole display of peanut M&Ms to find the damn thing. But I make myself think about how good I'm going to feel when I shed 15lbs. I buy my Healthometer scale and come home. Actually, I buy my scale and leave it in the backseat of my car, and go off to meet a group of friends at a restaurant in Briarcliff. It's a magnificent place, with enormous white columns and a stunning view of the Hudson River (and Indian Point nuke plant, but hey). I go with my friend Bentley. We meet 5 other people there. I had a 4 point WW meal earlier, so I don't eat. That's my dinner pictured above. There's a reason why it's only 4 points. It's small. Very, very small... Instead, I blow all my points (and then some) on white wine. Well, I'm off to a winning start! Total points for Day #1: 25 (should only have had 22.)